Food is magical. I don’t mean “prancing around in pearlized Lycra with albino tigers” magic. I’m talking full-on, motherfucking “d20 Wish” magic. And while you’re busy rolling die to create water, I’m reanimating the dead and traversing astral planes—metaphorically. Face it, you suck at food. That’s why you’re here. Don’t worry, I can help.
I am Chef Enis LeConnard. You haven’t heard of me because I run the most exclusive restaurant in this quadrant. It’s so expensive, you can’t even afford to know its name—let alone where it is. Because of my restaurant, the Michelin folks are busy designing a new logarithmic star system just to keep French Laundry from being categorically lumped with McDonald’s.
So, I’m certain you’ll find it a treat that I’ve deigned to hand you my techniques and recipes. Be forewarned: it’s not my fault if they don’t work for you. After all, you’re not a particularly good cook. You can’t expect to succeed. But you can try. I will help. Good luck.