Food is magical. I don’t mean prancing around in pearlized Lycra with albino tigers magic. I’m talking full-on, motherfracking d20 Wish magic. And while you’re busy creating water, I’m jumping around reanimating the dead and traversing astral planes. Face it, you suck at food. That’s why you’re here. Don’t worry, I can help.
I am Chef Enis LeConnard. You haven’t heard of me because I run the most exclusive restaurant in this quadrant. It’s so expensive, you can’t even afford to know its name—let alone where it is. Because of my restaurant, the Michelin folks are busy designing a new logarithmic star system just to keep French Laundry from being categorically lumped with McDonald’s.
So, I’m certain you’ll find it a treat that I’ve carved out this piece of virtual real estate to condescendingly hand you my techniques and recipes. Be forewarned, it’s not my fault if they don’t work for you. After all, you suck. You can’t be expected to succeed. But you can try—and I suggest you try repeatedly. Now, stop decorating your lap with pineapple rings and get to cooking.