Author Archives: Enis LeConnard

How to Prepare Coffee

Degrease the censer, for I’m about tread on hallowed ground. Today I tackle how to most effectively prepare coffee for human consumption. “OMG”, you’re saying, “hasn’t that been laid to rest?” You snort and adjust your sleeve for dramatic effect … Continue reading

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Savoury Baklava

Yesterday afternoon, Agathe—my poissonnière—wandered into the kitchen with too much time on her hands. She quietly watched us prep, but I noticed that she seemed to be eager to announce something. Glee shuddered her weight from one foot to the … Continue reading

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Personal Turkey

Remember the sheet cake? The darker times of our recent history found us as drooling jackals eyeing one another’s styrofoam plates as we uneasily jockeyed to be the next to gnaw at the kill. The kill being a sheet cake … Continue reading

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The Secret Ingredient

Appearances define your success. It is expected that a master chef can rattle off the comprehensive ingredient list of any foodstuff with a dip of her finger and a tap on her tongue. To maintain this appearance, training will only get … Continue reading

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How to Make Nougat

Step 1 – Place eggs and several other ingredients next to a big mixer. Step 2 – Lay paper all over the counter. Nougat is messy. Step 3 – Coat a paintbrush with boiling sugar water. Discard paintbrush. Step 4 … Continue reading

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Two-part Expanding Meat

“Enis!” I cringe whenever my pastry chef, Pétard, shrieks my name. Pétard is a nervous, wiry boy who sneaks out of bed in the early morning to pilfer hummingbird feeders on his way into his 4am shift, re-upping with Red … Continue reading

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Slicing Bread

Uniformity defines a good slice of bread. Knots, whorls, and grades hallmark the rough ware of swarthy, unkempt bakers of ages past. Industrial bread slicers now produce pristine planes for industrial chefs, but what of the small commercial kitchen or … Continue reading

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How to Make Fish

Sometimes recipes call for fish. Don’t panic! Fish is easy to make. Start with high-quality meat.

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Swedish Lemon Tea Biscuits

It’s been a busy few weeks, gentle readers, and I appreciate your patience with my day job. It’s not an easy thing, running an exclusive restaurant. Your threats of death have motivated and inspired. I thank you for limiting yourselves … Continue reading

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Reclaimed Macaroni Salad

Yesterday, our saucier, Fredrick, approached the refrigerator with a quick glance in my direction. Hesitatingly, he used a crude FIMO-covered magnet to tack to the refrigerator door a drawing from his daughter. The drawing was of a flower in macaroni relief. … Continue reading

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