How to Prepare Coffee

Degrease the censer, for I’m about tread on hallowed ground. Today I tackle how to most effectively prepare coffee for human consumption.

“OMG”, you’re saying, “hasn’t that been laid to rest?” You snort and adjust your sleeve for dramatic effect before continuing, “the best technique—hands down—has clearly been proven to be X.” Where “X” is shorthand for your interminable ramble on flat burr grinders, grind densities, solubles concentration, solubles yield, and brewing time. Not to mention water temperature, brew volume, conical filter sections, and metastatic percolation.

With a mischievous gleam, you weave a complicated and expensive tapestry of coffee-making equipment, carefully extolling the virtues of glassware, cork, and copper tubing for solubles extraction. After all, you’re an expert on coffee and you know that it can be palatably brewed only in something as complicated and Italian as the engine of a Ferrari.

Then you reveal your twist. “But you don’t actually need all that fancy equipment if you know a little science.” And with unrelenting, Amway resolve, you proceed to explain how Stanford lecturer Alan Adler, inventor of the AEROBIE® flying ring, will free us from the leather-clad shackles of Italian craftsmanship for the low, low price of just $39.99.


And you produce a graph. You carry it everywhere with you. It’s printed on laminated, heavy stock.

Brewing Control Chart

From your double-breasted sleeve, you’ve drawn a collapsible pointer, de-collapsed it, and you’re now thwacking at the graph. “You see,” you continue, “you can simply combine the Adler AeroPress® with an understanding of the proper brewing ratio [thwack] and how it relates to strength [thwack] and extraction [thwack] as expressed by blah blah something [thwack thwack thwack].” My head’s nodding to the thwacks, but I’ve stopped listening.

I’m aware of the AeroPress®. I’ve been using them at my restaurants for a long time. So long, in fact, that I still have the original light blue plastic models that look a bit like medical specimen cups.

It’s true that they’re much cheaper than the Ferrari-engine-style steampunk monstrosities and it’s true that they’re just as effective at brewing a reasonable cup of coffee; however, the scientific process requires too much math for my baristas. They just don’t have time to perform multivariate statistics and Fourier transforms—fast or otherwise—for each cup they brew. So I decided to look for an improvement upon the AeroPress®. I needed something fast, cheap, and easy that delivered the caffeinated experience my patrons crave. After some soul searching in dubious alleyways, I’m happy to say that I’ve found it.

Allow me to share with you my new, perfect method for preparing coffee.

Begin by liberating a small piece of copper scouring pad. Use tin snips or scissors that you’re willing to dull. The size of the piece isn’t critical, but it should comfortably fit between your thumb and index finger. Remove any small, dangling copper bits and hold the piece of scouring pad in an open flame until it glows red and smokes. This burns off any coatings or impurities. The orange copper will turn a dull grey with some black charring.

Heating Scouring Pad

Procure a love rose in a glass tube. You can find these at gas station convenience stores.

Love Rose in a Tube

Remove the foil from the ends of the tube and extract the rose. You can discard the rose or give it to your sweetie. In my experience, sweeties do not much care for flimsy plastic roses extracted from tubes purchased at gas stations. Sweeties prefer that I discard the rose.

Extract Love Rose from Tube

Stuff the prepared copper scouring pad into one end of the glass tube.

Insert Scouring Pad

Use chopsticks or kebab skewers to pack the copper scouring pad into a tight cylinder inside the tube near one end. You should pack it tight enough that the copper pad stays firmly in place. Blow hard through one end of the tube to ensure the copper pad stays in place and that no loose copper or ash bits remain.

Tamp Scouring Pad

Place one whole coffee bean inside the tube such that it abuts the packed scouring pad.

Insert Coffee Bean

The coffee bean should sit entirely inside the glass tube. Inspect the bean’s placement to ensure it does not protrude from the tube. If it does, extract the bean and reposition the packed scouring pad with your chopstick or kebab skewer.

Coffee Stem Ready

Light up the coffee bean and toke heavily. The coffee bean should melt into the scouring pad and produce white coffee vapor. Although you can no longer see the bean, you can continue to periodically apply flame to the scouring pad end of the tube to produce more coffee vapor. Repeat until the bean is consumed and no more vapor appears. Use caution not to apply the flame for too long or you might ignite the copper. Inhaling flaming copper is no fun.

Enjoying Coffee

The apparatus is cheap, the process is remarkably tolerant of variations in preparation, and the vaporization of the bean produces none of the characteristic bitterness of brewed coffee. It’s perfect. Even the mighty AeroPress® doesn’t come close to achieving these results. This is going to change the way you think about coffee.

They’re not quite ready yet, but I’m toying around with other improvements to the overall coffee making process. For example, it’s looking like I can dispense with the entire roasting step by firing green beans in the tube for a few extra minutes before melting them into the scouring pad. In my testing thus far, the sustained heat required for this is causing scouring pad ignition and oral blistering at unacceptable levels; however, I am persistent. I’m consulting with inner city experts on the problem and I’m convinced I can crack it.

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22 Responses to How to Prepare Coffee

  1. Sarah says:

    I’m interested in this green bean method you’re developing – please follow up with a graph showing the various levels of oral blistering that result so that I can determine the optimal amount of pre-roasting for my personal flavor and blistering preferences.

  2. thequakerandtheburntPAtrick says:

    the long lost “3rd Crack!”

  3. densely says:

    Are you still working on a technique that converts the coffee bean to injectable form and preserves its flavor?

  4. What if I try this, but with a glass pipe? Maybe I’ll get similar results.

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  6. Enis LeConnard says:

    DISCLAIMER: I never thought I’d have to do this, but I guess concern trolls are willing to post linkbait, citing random internet sources without much of a background check. So, my dear, confused readers, please be aware that this is satire. Specifically, no one is seriously suggesting that you should build a crackpipe to smoke coffee. There is nothing good about that idea. Not only does it sound extremely unpleasant, but it’s obviously dangerous. Go sort lentils instead.

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  8. MarkMcD says:

    ROTFLMFAO – something new for my vaporizer. Wonder what the effects would be of dark roast columbian with columbian red haze – maybe a high you HAVE to stay awake for? 😀

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  10. E says:

    Stupid liberals.

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  14. dibarnu says:

    I didn’t have a copper scouring pad, so I tried it with a yellow plastic one (the color was similar so I thought it would work) but that was a huge mistake. The plastic first melted, then burned creating this horrid noxious gas. I was doing this in the closet because I didn’t want my parents to find out but burning plastic in such a small area, I was quickly overcome by the smoke and fumes. When I woke up in the hospital a few days later my parents demanded to know what I was doing in the closet with scouring pads. I tried telling them I was just having some coffee but they said you drink coffee not smoke it. Who knew? The upshot is they won’t let me around any cleaning supplies anymore for fear I might try to smoke or drink them. They won’t even let me clear the dinner table anymore.

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  16. Who can resist obliterating oneself with an instant fireball of coffee beans into the never ever land ….?

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  19. NIKA says:

    I’m gonna try smoking DMT out of this lol.

  20. John Farrell says:

    Very droll, Minister!

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